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skeezer_jess
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Name: Jess
Gender: Female
Interests: Painting, Dancing, Writing, Singing, Baking, Running, Going to the beach, Hanging out with friends, going shopping, watching movies, blogging, being creative, and doing things no one else would even think of.
Expertise: Being nothing but "Me."
Occupation: Living Life.
Industry: ------------Will fill out as s
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  sk8rchik12246@aol.com
MSN: sk8rchik12246@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  sk8rchik12246@yahoo.com
Member Since:
6/24/2008
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| Even though I know that whatever he apologized for will only happen again and again, I think I'm more relieved that he actually apologized for everything and SORT OF owned up to his own mistakes like a man. I could have gotten a better response though instead of the constant "I'm sorry". That gets a little irritating. I can only accept it so many times!
I do want him to read my blogs. He needs to know what bothers me so much and he needs to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! It is his fault that he didn't call me today, or yesterday, or the day before that. If it was mine, the why did I call him so many times? Why did I leave so many voicemails? It wouldn't make sense if it was my fault. Besides, I own up to my mistakes as well. Such as feeling so upset all the time. I can't really help how I feel though...so maybe I shouldn't apologize for that.
I just hope he doesn't take my blog TOO seriously. He tends to do that a lot and I know he's sensitive. I just miss the old us...when we played and laughed all the time. When we stayed up until three o clock in the morning talking about EVERYTHING, when we never fought, and when being worried was REALLY rare. It's just not the same anymore and I think that I want a change between us. A good change...to go along with the new year....
End of story.
I just wish I could have a "Happily Ever After."
Who knows.
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| I stood outside in my backyard, behind my fence, looking up at the setting sun beyond the pine trees. I needed some fresh air, and by fresh air, I meant another cig. because I was stressed out, and as usual, worried. I was thinking so hard, and paying SO much attention to everything around me, that I could even smell the oncoming fall air. It was that bad. I could smell the slight coolness, and I could feel the heat calmly drifting south. I knew this only because I remembered the crisp scent of Kentucky atmosphere.
I could feel the green dewy grass crunching underneath my toes as I switched legs. Left....right...left. I was restless. I took drags and attempted to puff rings of smoke as I thought about the reasons I hated my relationship. I even though about what life would be like if I just let it all go. What would I become? Could I handle the pressure of possibly never having another relationship like that again? I have no idea, but thinking questions THAT deep really seemed to amuse me at the time. So, therefore, I came up with no conclusion or solution to my strange behavior that repeated itself throughout the day. I couldn't explain my mysterious feeling of being "Melancholy." I wouldn't be able to tell you why I felt such a way. My only reasons could be the stress of the following week, or that I was just worrying about life in general....why do I even bother?
Currently, I'm waiting the arrival of my grandparents. They took a break themselves and headed to my aunts house a couple blocks over. I didn't want to go because I needed some time alone with hopes that I could figure out the meaning of my sense of unhappiness. Of course, the mission was NOT accomplished and I ended up with no results. However, there is still time, although I know my grandparents are due home anytime now. I'm just listening out for that slight thud of the car doors shutting and the rustling of the dogs swiftly getting to their feet and rushing to the front window. Their toes will click against the white tile and I'll roll my eyes as soon as they take their first breath to begin the ongoing and completely obnoxious barking that I just LOVE so much.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I hate life completely. Maybe I just envy the entire world because everyone seems to think for me, or live my life their way. Honest to god, I couldn't tell you. I do know that I haven't finished reading my summer book and school starts in less than two days. This year, I do have Honors English and if I don't read this book, it's going to demolish my grade right from the start and that would be devastating. I'm simply wondering if I'll be able to read halfway though the book by the end of tonight. By the end of tonight, I mean 12:00 Midnight. On the dot.
Good lord! My dogs just jerked up and ran to the front of the house JUST because someone on TV knocked on a door and they thought it was in real life. I swear to god, if a burglar came into the house with a big T-Bone steak, those dogs would be putty in his hands and I would be the dead meat. Oh joy!
I still have much to do. For example, move my laundry along, finish cleaning my room, get my back pack together (Though, that probably wouldn't be so necessary at the moment. I'm waiting for the first day of school to arrive so I can fully understand all that I need for each class. Hopefully I get that right...) AND I'm waiting for that stupid phone call from my boyfriend....
Speaking of which, I'm not exactly thrilled right now. I'm actually kind of sad...maybe that's the explanation for my being Melancholy. Anyway, my phone just rung. Maybe that's him....Be right back.
And it was....I'm not happy. I'm definitely not...and I think that scares me. When I've talked to him, I feel stressed out. I'm stressed out that he's still hung up on Ex girlfriends...that he could stray..whatever it is. He just doesn't show me he cares..if he cared, it wouldn't kill him to call me. It wouldn't kill him to admit that he's wrong sometimes and not have to blame everything on me, and it REALLY wouldn't kill him to appreciate me, what I do, what I LIKE to do, or who I am...and I just don't feel that. I'm just getting that irritation with him again. I haven't seen him in three days, and he's probably not going to come over tomorrow. If he had made a better effort, he would have asked them the other day when they were over at his house because we had already planned this. He would have asked his grandparents ahead of time, he wouldn't have made me worried, and he wouldn't make me feel upset or sad ALL THE TIME. I don't think that's normal and I don't think it's a healthy relationship. My heart beat is thudding really loud right now. I can hear it in my ears...feel it pushing against my chest like it wants to burst free and run out the front door to find someone else that won't hurt it as much, and I'm scared and upset....I want to cry, but my eyes won't let me. I can't cry anymore. I can't do this anymore...I'm trying so hard. I sit by the phone hour after hour after hour waiting for him to call me. Or I'll tell him I'll call him back and he never answers. He'll finally call back at LEAST two hours later and then he won't seem interesting in anything else but himself, his friends, and the girl who happens to be his best friend, the girl he not so long ago told me he thought was hot, and the girl that was in a bikini today...and I wasn't there...because I COULD have been picked up if he had told me earlier...but if he really wanted me there, he would have done whatever it took to get me there. He knew that I wasn't really doing anything. I told him on the phone but I don't think he really cared.
He knows I'm right about most things, and if he reads this, I don't want him to argue with me. I don't want to hear it. Not only because it'll make me more upset, but because it's hurting me. Why would someone want to intentionally hurt me? I don't want him to argue...I don't want him to cry, and I don't want him to try and prove me wrong by saying things like "The reason why I....". Maybe he could just admit that he is wrong sometimes instead of making me feel like he's blaming me for everything...I stress so easily and worry nonstop and it probably wouldn't hurt him anymore to admit to his mistakes sometimes instead of putting it on me like he doesn't want the baggage. It's not attractive and it makes me feel like I'm with a weak person. That's not the boy I fell in love with. We're not the same. He fights against me, he doesn't support my opinions or what I like to do, he doesn't like my family unless they seem like they do whatever the fuck they want, he isn't happy unless I'm at his house cooped up inside with him all day having nonstop sex when that's not what I want! And he makes me feel like every thing's my fault, or that I'm not good enough for him, and with EVERY THING that he's honestly put me through, I'm not sure I want him coming over here tomorrow. He'll just constantly try to kiss and make out with me, or try to make me feel guilty by sitting there saying sorry over and over into my ear. Or when I tell him I don't want to talk about it, he'll have this DRAMATIC sigh and just bury his face into my pillow like he's hiding from me and he doesn't want to work it out. It's irritating and it doesn't make me feel good.
What am I doing wrong here? Someone throw me a clue here because I just found out why I'm so Melancholy. He's out there having the time of his life with all his little girlfriend and buddies while I'm sitting at home by the phone waiting to talk to him because IT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A PHONE CALL and because I miss him and want to work out all the damn fights we have had. He might think he cares, but if he REALLY did, he would do the right thing and stop messing up all the time. I mess up too, but I try my best to fix ALL THE PROBLEMS. He never helps me...I just...I'm lost for words. End of story. When I find another answer to ANOTHER fricken problem, I'll get back to you. Until then, I'm going to go try and read my book to get my mind off yet another stressful issue. Everyone, I hope you've had a nice Saturday. And goodnight.
Leave me NO comments. I don't want to hear what anyone has to say.
Sometimes it's best to just let me get every thing out and then eventually, I'll be fine and dandy about it all. Honest.
It's just...I wonder the big question, "What does a girl have to do to be happy around here?"
When you can answer that, write me a novel about why it's so hard!
Talk to you soon,
Jess
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| Spencer Bell. His name tastes so sweet on my tongue and sounds so silky when it slips between my lips.
The way he looks at me with those gray-blue eyes that look like I'm staring into a lunar eclipse, makes me feel like I'm the center of his universe. His ONLY universe, and I wouldn't trade that feeling for the entire world, or for all the designer clothes that have ever existed. (Maybe I could steal a dress or two.)
I can't describe the feelings that run through me when I look at him as we lay next to each other, cuddled up close under a cocoon of blankets because I love feeling his warmth. I can't tell you why he has my heart and why I somehow got his, but I can tell you this; If I had no money and he was half way across the country, I would sell my soul to find him, be with him, and live happily ever after. You see, I've found out so much about myself through him. I think that's one of the best experiences I've had with him. I found out that I can't live without him, and that I finally found the person who makes me feel so comfortable, who lets me be myself, and who somehow found a way to be my best friend as well as my beloved boyfriend who I hope, in due time, to be something more than that.
I found out that I want to be able to wake up one morning to the feel of his warm lips pressing against my forehead, my cheek, my temple, my neck, and my shoulders. I'll turn over and look up at him with a smile, and we'll kiss each other Good Morning with the sunlight flitting through the curtains in the window. I'll slowly get up out of bed, go to the bathroom, and I'll take a shower as he cooks breakfast in the kitchen. When I get out of the bathroom, he'll be standing there with orchids he picked outside. I'll walk over to the window to put them in the sunlight and I'll realize that we're overlooking a beach with pearly white sand. I'll open up the french doors that open right up out onto the beach and I'll feel the powder between my toes. He'll come up behind me and whisper I love you. I'll be in a white cotton sun dress with long blond hair blowing in the breeze. We'll be looking at one another, kissing lightly under a bright blue sky and chasing each other out into the waves throwing clothes this way, and that, until we're nude and making love.
That's how it will begin again, and that's how it will end. I'll always be happy with him. Whether I have cheesy fantasies like that, or whether I don't. I don't care where I am as long as I'm with him, safe, and in love. He makes me feel so alive and like I can do anything in the world. He makes me feel like I'm the only girl on the planet who has the best boyfriend any female like me could ask for, and I don't think I would ask for anything different.
Our lips fit together so perfectly...like lost puzzle pieces that got lost in an orphanage and found one another to be a perfect match. He's my other half. Baby, you know I love you right? I'll do anything to be with you, or to convince that you that I do and I can't wait to wake up in a bed with you in a hotel that many other people have been in, though, we'll be the only perfect couple there. You're my sky, my rain, my sunshine, my hope, my hero, my best friend, my love, my lust, and inspiration, my muse, my everything...please don't forget that. Or me.
I'm simply head over heels in love with you. I'm sorry babe, but I can't get enough of you. You're stuck with me.
Love,
Your Babydoll.
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So, I'm FINALLY back from shopping! We were there from 11:00 AM to around 5:00 PM. Ridiculous! My feet were killing me in my dark brown Kino's and I couldn't wait to get out of my STUPID sundress. I hate that thing by the way...it's really annoying, it makes me look fat,and I honestly wished I could have dressed up in something way more attractive! Anyway, I ended up coming home with 8 different bags of clothes!
Here's what I got:
3 new pairs of killer BUTT-TASTIC skinny jeans. (That means they make my butt look gloriously gorgeous.  )
1 new pair of regular jeans that have really cool looking ass pockets...
2 new pairs of really cute sandals.
1 pair of invisible flats from Journeys....AKA I never got them! I put them on hold for a couple minutes and I couldn't get them! If I did, I would only have $40 worth of spending money left. Hell no. (So, I have $70 worth left.  )
^^^^Maybe that's why I'm not really satisfied?^^^^
5 Tank tops that are really cute and hot. :) Some are lacy, some are just wild..and others..I forget what they look like! Maybe I REALLY DO have too many clothes...but, I can't help myself! 
2 New pairs of really cute chico shorts from Gap. They each cost me 20 bucks. Navy blue and white. :]
Oh yeah, and check this out: When I went into Rino21, the woman who was ringing up my clothes at the cash register said that if I bought one more item of about $1.00 worth, I would get 30% off my entire purchase. So, I went to go search for a shirt or something and the woman pointed out that there was an ENTIRE table full of underwear for only $.99 cents each! So...there really weren't any I liked...I just grabbed this totally random black thong that I'll probably never wear with these bronze studs on it...(Yet I'm wearing it as we speak?) How funny is that? I bought a thong that I thought I would never wear yet I'm wearing it right now!
Anyway, I'm still really tired. I'm about to leave to go get some pizza from Rico's Pizza place with that Romanian guy that my uncle Scott calls my boyfriend, and whom Spencer is probably worried about me cheating on him with. Oh please..I can't stand this..I miss him so much..it's killing me. I cried so much after I got off the phone with him last night...I was up until 1:30 last night crying...But, I can't wait to get on the yahoo IM with him tonight and the webcam! I miss seeing his face...and Lizzie.
:]
God I love him...and some speghetti sounds great right now! Alright, gotta wrap this up.
I'll probably blog more tonight, if not, I'll be sure to tell you all about my day tomorrow.
I hope he read this....
<3 Adios!
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It's not everyday that a girl my age gets about $330 dollars and possibly more. That wasn't the amount I was going for this year, but I'm WAY greatful! I'm so excited...I've never had this much money before. Anyway, here's my theory. Today, my Aunt and I are going school shopping because today is our only day to do so. We are going to Ellenton Outlet Mall.
Here's the website: <a href="http://www.primeoutlets.com/cntrdefault.asp?cntrid=1019"> Ellenton Outlet Mall </a>
& here's the list of store there: <a href="http://www.primeoutlets.com/branddefault.asp">List of stores/brands</a>
(IT'S HUGE!)
Anyway, at the outlet mall, there are tons of stores that I wish I could buy from. People like Spencer and my best friends Amanda and Morganne all know that I have this big fetish of wanting to be able to buy very expensive clothes such as Coach, Banana Republic, Bebe, and etc. But, I don't have enough money....I mean, I do, but I won't be able to get much if I blow on my money on about three items from just a couple of stores! But, at least I know that an outlet mall is cheaper and prices are lower, and now the school year is coming around, I'll be able to hit the sales. I just hope I get some good buys while I'm there. My aunt said that's the only place we're going because she doesn't feel like going south to places like Old Navy and Marshalls...and nor do I. I want to be able to feel fresh, crisp, and living the high life in an amateur sort of way.
So, I'll be sure to tell you how it goes when I get back. Today is my first day in Sarasota. I woke up reluctantly this morning around 9:00 AM because my Uncle Scott woke me. Afterward, I've been on the laptop since, looking up sales online. I'm ready to blow half my cash. I just have to constantly remind myself not to get too carried away and forget to get a new bookbag, and some books from Borders. :(
Anywho, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to buy some things. There are some stores that we have back home. I'm just hoping that they're at THAT particular outlet. Oh well. We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty phyched!
See you soon. :)
-The girl who feels so wealthy!
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